THE RACE

A Short Play

THE RACE

CHARACTERS

JOHN – a husband.

MARCIA – a wife.

SETTING

A Bedroom – present.

NOTES

The following action takes place entirely in a black-out, though it is fine to see the actors take their places, once the play starts, it is important that we do not see them, only HEAR them.

To be absolutely clear, the whole play happens IN THE DARK.  In the DARK, man, not shadows, completely and utter darkness!

(JOHN and MARCIA, a married couple, stumble home after a night on the town.  They collapse in bed.  Lights go down.  The following action takes place entirely in total darkness.)

JOHN:  Ohh.

MARCIA:  Me too.    

JOHN:  I’m a little drunk.

MARCIA:  Me too.

JOHN:  Drunk and tired.

MARCIA:  Me too.

JOHN:  Maybe more tired than drunk.

MARCIA:  Me too.   

(Short pause.)

JOHN:  Uh-oh.

MARCIA:  Uh-oh, what?

JOHN:  I think I want to have sex.

MARCIA:  Uh-oh.

JOHN:  Uh-oh.

MARCIA:  You think you want to have sex?

JOHN:  I think I want to have sex.

(Very short pause.)

MARCIA:  Me too.

JOHN:  Uh-oh.  She wants sex.

MARCIA:  Uh-oh.  I want sex.

JOHN:  You really want to have sex?

MARCIA:  I could have sex.  I could.

JOHN:  Well.  All right then. Let’s have some sex.

MARCIA:  All right then. (Short pause.) Aren’t we going to have sex?

JOHN:  Maybe.

MARCIA:  I thought you wanted to have sex.

JOHN:  I think I do want to have sex.

MARCIA:  Well, get over here and sex me, baby.  Sex me up!

JOHN:  Well …

MARCIA:  Well, what?

JOHN:  Well, I’m pretty comfortable over here.

MARCIA:  So?

JOHN:  So why don’t you come over here?

MARCIA:  Over there?

JOHN:  Come on over here and sex me up.

MARCIA:  Why don’t you come over here?

JOHN:  I always go over there, why don’t you come over here.

MARCIA:  You brought it up, you should come over here. (Short pause.)  Well?

JOHN::  Well, there seems to be a small problem.

MARCIA:  What’s the problem?

JOHN:  The problem is, I don’t think I can move.

(Short pause.)

MARCIA:  Me too.

JOHNL:  You too?

MARCIA:  Me too.  I’m pretty comfortable, lying here.

JOHN:  Me too.  My brain wants sex, but my body doesn’t want to move.

MARCIA:  Me too.  If we have sex with each other, that’s going to involve some exertion, some pushing, pulling, different kinds of positioning, all of which is good …

JOHN:  Very good.

MARCIA:  It is good. It’s just that I’m pretty comfortable.

JOHN:  Me too.  So what do we do?

MARCIA:  What else can we do?  Wait until we pass out.

(Pause.)

JOHN:  But I’m still thinking about sex!

MARCIA:  Me too.

JOHN:  I can’t stop thinking about sex.

MARCIA:  Me too.

JOHN:  But I still don’t want to move.

MARCIA:  Me too.

JOHN:  What if I were to suggest a way in which we can both achieve sexual ecstasy without upsetting the current balance of our present equilibrium?

MARCIA:  What was that?  Can you say that again?

JOHN:  Not without throwing up.

MARCIA:  Wait a minute, wait a minute.  You’re proposing that we have sex …

JOHN:  The two of us, sex …

MARCIA:  Without having to move at all.

JOHN:  Yes.

MARCIA:  You stay there, and I stay here …

JOHN:  Yes.

MARCIA:  And we have hot sex.

JOHN:   That’s it, yes.

(Short pause.)

MARCIA:  I’m intrigued.

JOHN:  I’d hoped you would be.

MARCIA:  Please elaborate.

JOHN:  We have a “Race.”

MARCIA:  A “Race?”

JOHN:  A “Race.”

MARCIA:  You’re not suggesting that we …

JOHN:  Absolutely.  We let our fingers do the walking.  You do your thing, I do mine …

MARCIA:  Oh my God.

JOHN:  And Bing!  Sexual Satisfaction.  And the great thing about it is, no matter who finishes first, we both win!

MARCIA:  You can’t be serious.

JOHN:  I am completely serious, come on, let’s go.

MARCIA:  I can’t!

JOHN:  Why not?

MARCIA:  Because!

JOHN:  Because why?

MARCIA:  Because I don’t … do that kind of thing.

JOHN:  What?  What are you talking about, of course you do!

MARCIA:  No, I do not!

JOHN:  I’ve SEEN you do it, just last Christmas, before all the Yuletide sex, you put on a little preliminary show for me.

MARCIA:  John …

JOHN:  You put me on the other side of the room, sat yourself right by the fire in lace and garters, and went to work, tuning the engine and racing away all on your lonesome, don’t you remember?

MARCIA:  Of course I remember, but that was different!

JOHN:  How is it different?

MARCIA:  Because that was for YOUR benefit, NOT mine.

JOHN:  You mean to tell me that you’ve never RACED your engine strictly for your own benefit?

MARCIA:  Oh no, no.  No.  Not since I was a teenager.  Since puberty.

JOHN:  What!  You haven’t raced since you were a kid?

MARCIA:  That’s right.    

JOHN:  Why not?

MARCIA:  Well.  It just seems so silly.

JOHN:  I don’t believe this.

MARCIA:  Why don’t you just go on ahead and … run your little race, and I’ll try to get some sleep.

JOHN:  What?  By myself?  No way.

MARCIA:  Why not, go ahead, I don’t mind.

JOHN:  I MIND.  It’s not as much fun unless you do it with me.

MARCIA: Oh, COME ON, John.

JOHN:  It’s true, you know that a woman’s pleasure is very important to me.

MARCIA:  John.

JOHN:  It’s true, I’ll feel bad if I get off and you don’t, I always do.

MARCIA:  But you have my permission.  Go ahead, have sex without me, I’m giving you my blessing.  Fire away.

(Very short pause.)

JOHN:  No, no, I don’t want to now.

MARCIA:  Oh, come on.  Honey …

JOHN:  No, it’s okay.

MARCIA:  You’re upset, I can hear it, you’re mad.

JOHN:  I’m not mad …

MARCIA:  Sweetie, if you want to masturbate, it’s perfectly all right with me, believe me.

JOHN:  No.

MARCIA:  John, I’m begging you, please masturbate, do it, you know you want to, pull on that pony, tease that weasel …

JOHN:  Marcia, no!  Masturbation just won’t be as much fun if you’re not doing it with me.

MARCIA:  Sweetie, masturbation was originally intended as a solo exercise.

JOHN: Yes, I know that, but we’re married, and we do everything together, right?

MARCIA:  Yes, but . . .

JOHN:  And we promised each other to always be open to new things, right?

MARCIA:  Yes, yes, we did promise that.

JOHN:  And I just think … that you should give some consideration to a race.

MARCIA:  But don’t you think it’s a little silly?

JOHN:  What in the world of sex ISN’T silly?  It’s all silly, penis, vagina, they’re all silly! Why stop now with this?  Just give it a shot.  Who knows, you just might like it.

MARCIA:  I might, I just might.

JOHN:  It could be really great, it could become our NEW thing.

MARCIA:  You’re right.  It just might.  All right, you talked me into it.  Honey, I’m sorry I was such a pill.

JOHN:  You are not a pill, you’re never a pill.  I love you.

MARCIA:  And I love you.  Okay.  Let’s masturbate.

JOHN:  All right!  Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!

(Rustling of clothing is heard.)

MARCIA:  Okay.  Here we go.  Here we go.  We’re masturbating.  A masturbating we go.  Master . . . Bation.  Masturbation.

JOHN:  Marcia …

MARCIA:  (sings) Here we come … walking down the street … get the funniest looks … from everyone we meet.  Hey, Hey, we’re masturbating!

JOHN:  Marcia!

MARCIA:  What!

JOHN:  What are you doing?

MARCIA:  I’m … I’m singing.

JOHN:  Do you have to do that?

MARCIA:  Yes, I do.  It’s what I do.  Do you have a problem with that?

(Short pause.)

JOHN:  No, I do not.   

MARCIA:  Very well.  Shall we continue?

JOHN:  Yes, please.

(Pause.  Some movement is heard on the bed.  MARCIA is still humming the Monkey’s song.  JOHN starts moaning.  His moans get louder and louder.)

MARCIA:  John . . .

JOHN:  Oh . . . Oh  . . .

MARCIA:  John!

JOHN:  Ahh!

MARCIA:  John!

JOHN:  What!  What is it, can you see I’m close?

MARCIA:  It’s that noise you’re making . . .

JOHN:  What about it, these are my sex sounds . . .

MARCIA:  Those aren’t your USUAL sex sounds . . .

JOHN:  What are you talking about, these are the sounds I always make.

MARCIA:  No, they are not!  Your usual noise is kind of a uh-uh-uh … THIS sex sound is more like a oh-oh-oh …

JOHN:  SO??

MARCIA:  So it’s subtlety different, almost … almost like you might be enjoying it  … more.

JOHN:  Oh my God.  You’re singing super songs of the sixties, and you’re giving me a hard time about MY sex sounds?

MARCIA: You like masturbation BETTER than sex with me, don’t you!!

JOHN:  Can we stop this?  Can we?  I thought we were trying to do something NEW together here.  Can we just focus and jack off together, can we?

MARCIA:  You’re right, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Touching myself always makes me a little neurotic. I’m sorry. Please continue.   

(Movement is heard.  MARCIA goes back to the humming.  JOHN moans again.  He moans louder.  MARCIA hums louder.)

JOHN:  Oh.  Oh.

MARCIA:  Oh honey.  You close?

JOHN:  Yeah, baby, oh yeah.

MARCIA:  Go sweetie.  Go for it.

JOHN:  Oh baby.  Oh. Oh, oh, oh, OH!  AHHH! Oh.

MARCIA:  Oh honey.  Nice.  Very nice.  How was it?

JOHN:  Great.  That was great.

MARCIA:  Great?

JOHN:  Not really great.  Good.  It was just good.  Good enough.  It was … How are you doing?

MARCIA:  I’m doing all right.

JOHN:  Are you there yet?

MARCIA:  Not quite.

(Short pause.)

JOHN:  You there yet?

MARCIA:  Not yet.

(Pause.)

JOHN:  How about now?

MARCIA:  John!

JOHN:  I’m sorry, it’s just, I’m sleepy now.  Is there any way to … pick the pace up a little?

MARCIA:  John, some of us in this race are sprinters, and some of us run marathons.  But we all get there.

JOHN:  Yeah.  Yeah.  Sorry.

(Pause.  MARCIA hums along.)

JOHN:  Maybe if you sang a more up-tempo song …

MARCIA:  John!

JOHN:  I’m sorry, sorry.

MARCIA:  Why don’t you take a nap and I’ll wake you when we get there?

JOHN:  No, I can make it.  I can make it.

MARCIA:  (sings) There she was a just a walking down the street … singing do-wha-ditty-ditty-dum-ditty do.  Holdin my hand and looking real purty … singing do-wha-ditty-ditty-dum-dum ditty do.  She looks good, she looks good, she looks fine, she looks good she looks fine and I nearly lost my … my … MY MIND! OH!  Oh.  Oh my.  Oh my goodness.  That was wonderful, that was … John?

(JOHN snores loudly.)

MARCIA:  I win.   

End of Play.

NOTES:

First produced by The Defiant Ones as a part of the evening titled CLOSE ENCOUNTERS at Manhattan Theatre Source, featuring Chuck Bunting and Luisa Battista, directed by Ato Essandoh.

Later presented at The Actor’s Playground by the All You Can Eat Theatre Company, in the evening SMORGASBOARD - plays by Joshua James, featuring Michael Elian and Berda Gilmore, directed by Jamie Taylor.

THE RACE received its Southwestern professional premiere at City Theatre’s 2004 SUMMER SHORTS FESTIVAL (PROGRAM B) featuring Elizabeth Dimon and Stephen Trovillion, directed by Gail Garrison.

Published by Original Works Publishing in the following collection:

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And HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!