THE ITCH
A bit of humor for your Sunday
Hello, friends. I wanted to share a short piece that is a friend’s favorite. Manhattan Theatre Source was an Off-Off-Broadway theatre down in the West Village, and featured a ton of great artists, actors, directors, and playwrights. They also ran a weekend challenge called SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION, where on a Friday night, we would draw names of actors, get an opening line (prompt), and write, produce a play in 48 hours. It was so much fun. The Itch began as one of those challenges, and would go on to make its professional world premiere in Miami and be produced in many other places. It’s published as part of a collection entitled The THE Plays you can see at the link. I am not a fan of that title, but this is how it works in publishing, I was told :). Enjoy! I am proud to have authored it.
THE ITCH
A ten-minute play
CHARACTERS
RAY – Age could be anywhere from 30 to 50. Ray is fully paralyzed, can’t move his hands, feet, or head, and very angry about it.
JAKE – Age could be anywhere from 20 to 50. Jake is also completely paralyzed, can’t move his hands, feet, or his head. Jake is also blind, though it’s sometimes hard to tell.
FAYE – A Nurse, any age. Very sassy and hard to surprise.
TIME
Present
SETTING
A room in a hospital, but not a hospital room, it’s the tub room, which makes sense if you’ve been in a hospital for a long time.
NOTES
*Special note: all of the lines by Jake in italics are references to the film Caddyshack, the film that Jake loves more than anything. So if you’re playing Jake and you haven’t seen Caddyshack, it’s time you did, and watch the unrated version, too, not the neutered version that sometimes runs on cable. Watch it even if you’re not doing this play; it’s a classic, man, a total classic. Pictures are from the Miami production.
(Lights up upon Jake and RAY. They lie on moveable beds with wheels. The two men lay there quietly for a moment.)
JAKE: The whole thing comes down to THIS …
RAY: Shut up.
JAKE: This is the thing …
RAY: I said shut up.
JAKE: The thing is … I got an itch.
RAY: No, you don’t.
JAKE: Yes, I do.
RAY: You can’t!
JAKE: But I do.
RAY: No, you don’t, so shut up!
(FAYE, a nurse, enters.)
FAYE: Hello, boys, how are you doing?
JAKE: There she is!
RAY: What the hell is going on? Faye, they took me out of PT with no explanation, it wasn’t even time to go yet, they stuck me in this room …
FAYE: I know, Raymond …
RAY: It’s basically a closet, stuck me here with no explanation, and worst of all, they stuck me in here with HIM.
JAKE: Thank you very little.
FAYE: I know Ray, I’m sorry. There seems to be a bit of a commotion over in B Wing.
(FAYE sits in a chair between them.)
RAY: What is it, what’s going on?
FAYE: I’m not entirely sure, but it sure is noisy.
JAKE: So what brings you to this nape of the woods?
RAY: Did somebody die? Who died, was it Mr. Watson? Mrs. Anderson?
FAYE: Nobody died. I haven’t seen you in a while, Jake.
JAKE: You missed me, didn’t you? I have an itch.
FAYE: Where is it, would you like me to scratch it?
JAKE: Yes, please, left knee.
(FAYE doesn’t move anywhere near JAKE, nor does she touch him.)
FAYE: How’s that?
JAKE: Ooo baby, that hit the spot. Ahh. Oh, Mrs. Crane, you’re a little monkey woman. Yeah, you’re lean, mean, and I bet you’re not too far in between, are ya? How you’d like to wrap your spikes around my …
RAY: Would you put a cork in it! Why aren’t they telling us what’s going on? If something’s happening they should tell us, we have a right to know! We have the right!
FAYE: How’d it go in court the other day, Raymond?
RAY: Don’t know. Judge is reviewing my brief. Still waiting, but probably I’ll know tomorrow.
JAKE: Court? Somebody finally suing you for sexual harassment?
FAYE: That would be you, goofy. Raymond’s suing for the right to end his own life.
JAKE: No shit?
FAYE: No shit. Where’s your sunglasses, Jake?
JAKE: You mean they’re not on my face?
FAYE: I’m afraid not. Did you leave them in the tub room?
JAKE: It is entirely possible. Would you be so kind?
FAYE: My pleasure.
(FAYE exits.)
JAKE: So Raymond wants to end his life. Now why would you want to do something like that?
RAY: You know, in the five years I’ve been stuck in this hospital, you’ve said some monumental stupid things to me, but this one has to take the cake, it gets the big prize. You really are a mental defective, you know that?
JAKE: But I’m not the suicidal one, now am I?
RAY: You dumb fucking piece of meat, I’m paralyzed from the neck down. I can’t do anything remotely useful, I am nothing! I’m a doorstop with a voice. I can’t work, I can’t play, I can’t make a family. I can’t FEED myself. I used to have a job. Car. Girlfriend. All I got now is SHIT. All I can do is sit around and wait to die. And I hate waiting.
JAKE: Yes, I’ve noticed that about you.
RAY: Face up to it, we’re both paralyzed, hell, you’re blind to boot. We’re both fucked. All we do is take up space, man, that’s you and me, that’s it. We’re both frozen in place.
JAKE: A flute without holes is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.
RAY: Oh man, shut the fuck up, would you!
(FAYE enters with sunglasses.)
FAYE: Is he doing his movie at you again?
RAY: Yes. What the hell’s going on out there?
FAYE: I don’t know, everyone’s still running around. We’ll know soon. Here’s your glasses, Jake.
(She puts the glasses on JAKE’s face.)
JAKE: You’re rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body. Ray’s depressed. He thinks that he and I are frozen in place.
FAYE: What do you think?
JAKE: I used to think that. Now I’m under the consideration that everyone else is frozen and I’m the only one moving. Uh-oh. I have another itch.
FAYE: Where?
JAKE: About two inches due north … of my asshole.
FAYE: You know what, I have an itch in that spot myself. Would you scratch it for me?
JAKE: Absolutely. How’s that?
FAYE: Oh. Ah. Yes. Very nice.
RAY: Jacob, it’s not real, your arm’s not moving, your hand is not touching her. She’s here, and you’re there. You’re not fucking touching her.
JAKE: I am where it counts.
RAY: Shit.
JAKE: I’m tickling your asshole too, Ray. Right now.
RAY: Shut up.
JAKE: Oh, baby. You love it.
(JAKE laughs, a good, hard laugh. After a moment, FAYE and RAY join in.)
RAY: You really are a goofy bastard, you know that?
FAYE: You know, Jake, we rented your movie Caddyshack last weekend, my husband and me, but I fell asleep before we could watch it.
JAKE: Infidel! I still can’t believe you haven’t seen it yet.
RAY: Listen, Faye, you never told me what you thought about my case.
FAYE: Your court case?
RAY: Yes. You’ve never said, one way or the other. What your opinion is. I’d like to know.
FAYE: Well, Ray, I think you should be free to do whatever you choose to do.
RAY: Really?
FAYE: But I would hope, and do hope, that you would choose to stay with us. I do.
JAKE: Me too. And I don’t even like you.
(Short pause.)
RAY: Why? Do you really think life has any meaning?
FAYE: Sure, I do.
RAY: What do you think, Jake?
JAKE: My testicles aren’t supposed to itch, but they do anyway. And that’s the whole nuts and bolts of the thing, if you’ll pardon my pun. Friends, it’s times like these that I’m reminded of the immortal words of CARL.
FAYE: Carl?
JAKE: Character in the movie, Carl, the assistant greens-keeper, played by Bill Murray. He had this great speech.
RAY: Oh shit, here we go.
JAKE: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald … striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one … big hitter, the lama ... long, into a ten thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the lama says? Gunga galunga … gunga, gunga-gulanga. So we finish the eighteen, and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know,” and he says, “Oh, there will be no money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that going for me. Which is nice.
(Very brief pause.)
RAY: So do you think that’s what’s gonna happen?
JAKE: I don’t know, but it would be pretty to think so. And that’s what the whole thing comes down to, isn’t it?
Lights down.
End of play.
I consider this one a banger. Unfortunately, I don’t have a program for this show, and cannot remember the names of the original actors except for Hope Garland as Faye. The other two names have been lost to time, memory, and movement (this was the early aughts; much has changed, I’ve moved, lost things, etc), but overall, a stellar performance by all of those involved. I also, unfortunately, don’t have the program for the Miami production, but the pictures are credited to George Schiavone.
Stay safe, folks, and remember, you can scratch any itch you need to whenever you wish. All the plays are here: The THE Plays