THE ELF, THE BUNNY & THE BIG XMAS BLOW UP
AN EXCERPT, A SCENE, IT'S LIKE A MOVIE TRAILER BUT WITH MORE WORDS...
(In the year 2000, I was asked by those running Manhattan Theatre Source to write a Christmas play. They were going to stage it with two other one-acts. It had to feature a little girl and a bomb. The result was the play THE ELF, THE BUNNY & THE BIG XMAS BLOWUP, which sported a dream cast of friends and family. You can find the whole play HERE, and it’s royalty-free for amateur production. Never had I ever had so much fun as the fun that the cast, the director, and designers, and myself had on this venture.)
SCENE
Bunny: Sit right here and I'll tell you the magic story of how it happened. See, once upon a time . . .
Wendi: Once upon a time?
Bunny: All the best magical stories start out like that. All it takes is once upon a time and some Magic Bunny Pellets.
Wendi: Magic Bunny Pellets?
Bunny: Ever hear of Magic Fairy Dust?
Wendi: Sure, like from Tinkerbell.
Bunny: Magic Bunny Pellets work the same way, only for bunnies. All you do is wish-wish-wish as hard as you can and then toss the Magic Bunny Pellets.
Bunny throws the pellets. Wendi's room begins to change and soft music begins to play.
Wendi: Peeyeww, I smell something ominous and stinky.
Bunny: That's the Magic Bunny Pellets.
Wendi: Why do they stink so?
Bunny: Well I'll give ya a hint, Wendi with an 'I', Magic Fairy Dust doesn't come from Tinkerbell's mouth.
Wendi: Oh.
Bunny: Back to the story. Once upon a time there was an elf, a Christmas elf.
A light comes up on Charlie, a Christmas Elf.
Bunny: Wait a minute Wait a minute, I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm not to the elf yet. Thank you . . .
The spotlight on Charlie goes back out, putting him back into darkness.
Charlie: (in the dark) Hey! Hey, what the?!
Bunny: Thank you, THANK YOU. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Now then. Once upon a time, up at the North Pole where it's always cold and cheerful, where the snow is always white and the canes always candy, where it's always almost Christmas every day of the year. It's December, and everyone is getting prepared for the big day of Christmas! Â
Wendi: Christmas at the North Pole, how wonderful!
The song, We Wish you a Merry Christmas plays at high volume. Wendi's room (except for the bed) is magically transformed into the North Pole. Bunny dances about with great glee.
Bunny: Now once upon a time at the North Pole there lived a certain Christmas Elf.
A spotlight opens up once more upon Charlie, a Christmas Elf with a look of sheer disgust upon his face.
Charlie: Oh, so NOW you want me out here under the light, now you want to hear what I gotta say so you can make fun of me, is that it? Hey guys, let's trot out the elf, get a few laughs at his expense, have ourselves a jolly old time, ho-ho-ho and all that rot. Well, if that's what you think is gonna happen, you can just kiss my little Elvin ass! And turn that music off!
The Christmas song abruptly stops.
Charlie: I hate that fricking song.
Bunny: Once upon a time there was a certain Christmas Elf named Charlie.
Charlie: And who . . . in their right mind . . . sticks a poor helpless Christmas elf with a name like Charlie? Charlie's something you call your beer buddy, your plumber or mailman. You can have an Uncle Charlie, a nephew Charlie, a Grandpa Charlie, you call your dog Charlie, the tuna you eat out of a can is called Charlie but you do not, under any circumstances, name a frigging Christmas elf frigging CHARLIE!
Bunny: Now, poor Charlie the Christmas elf was unhappy. Charlie was disgruntled. Charlie was perturbed, Charlie was mired in a deep dark funk. (Bunny stops when Charlie looks at him) In short, Charlie had a problem.
Charlie: I hate Christmas. Christmas sucks. Christmas sucks huge dripping donkey dongers. Of all the holidays that are holidays, Christmas is by far the worst of the lot, celebrating greed, waste and advertising. It's the one time of the year where people are SUPPOSED to be nice to each other, the ONE time of the year to celebrate fellowship and love and what do they do? Pull hair, knock out teeth and draw the blood of their fellow citizens, all just to get at the very LAST useless Pokemon doll that's on the shelf that they can give to their squalling snot-nose selfish and useless excuse for children that they squirted out indiscriminately and irresponsibly.
Bunny: Hey Wendi, Hey Wendi, Hey Wendi, did you know what Pokemon means in Japanese? It means POCKET MONSTER! They invented a toy and called it Pocket Monster! Isn't that something? Pocket Monster, Hee-hee! (Bunny stops giggling when Wendi and Charlie look at him) I'm sorry, I'm digressing. I apologize. Please continue.
Charlie: Christmas. Christmas isn't about LOVE anymore, it isn't about GIVING, it's all about who's got what and how much, merchandising tie-ins and HAPPY-MEALS, I swear if I hear another brat screaming for a cheap toy and a Happy Meal I'm gonna kill myself, I swear it. Who in their right mind would buy a toy at a frigging fast food half-assed hamburger chain anyway? Wake up dipsticks! Would you shop for food at a hardware store?  I DON'T THINK SO!
Bunny: You see, Wendi with an 'I', this was one angry elf.
Charlie: Christmas. Christmas really chaps my ass.
