Self-Defense Is A Circle
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SELF-DEFENSE IS A CIRCLE
Self-defense is a circle that begins and ends with one thing only.
If you were my martial arts student, this would be the first thing you would hear. All students, no matter their background, no matter their ability or size, from age three to ninety years old, learn about the self-defense circle.
Techniques, evasions, attacks, counters, and so on, all of which are dependent upon the age and background of the student. But the circle does not. It’s one constant for everyone in the class.
Circles are sacred.
I don’t employ the word sacred often; it’s overused and abused, but it happens to be true in this instance. Circles have been viewed as sacred throughout our existence.
Like the number zero (also a circle) which is both everything and nothing, so too are circles. Think of your circle of friends. When we huddle, we do so in a circle. We circle our wagons. Circle around the campfire.
The Yin-Yang symbol on kung fu practitioners' jackets is a deliberate circle.
Even if you don’t believe in sacred things or that they’re a bunch of hooey, thinking about self-defense as a circle is a very helpful mental guide.
It’s also a simple way for youngsters to remember what to do. But you need to know exactly what the first and last steps, which are also the steps in between, actually are.
It goes as thus:
SELF-DEFENSE IS A CIRCLE THAT BEGINS AND ENDS WITH VOICE.
Got that? I want to make sure you understand what I am saying, so I will repeat it, which is the same thing I do when I teach young people how to defend themselves.
Self-defense is a circle that begins and ends with VOICE.
Say that to yourself, see how it feels.
Self-defense is a circle. It begins and ends with VOICE.
Students have to state it out loud and own it. Understand and embrace it. Voice is the first weapon, the one in the middle and the one at the end, too.
What does it mean, exactly? Simply enough, use your voice to stop someone from harassing, potentially assaulting, or harming you.
It’s a constant reminder that one must SPEAK OUT.
If someone is bothering us deliberately, we tell them to STOP.
If someone is specifically harassing us, we tell them to LEAVE US ALONE.
If someone threatens us with physical harm, we TELL our teachers, our parents, coaches, and trusted friends about the threat… if need be, we call the police.
We do not stay silent when we are in danger.
The process of defending yourself begins with VOICE.
That’s the beginning. It’s also the end, too.
MY PAST CIRCLE
My prime motivation for training in the martial arts is self-defense. There’s a reason I’ve spent most of my life studying various methods of martial arts and combat.
I don’t care about trophies, medals, or belts (I don’t have any issues with them, either) nearly like I do the protection of the self. It’s the main reason I train.
The first time I was assaulted, I was a child and didn’t know how to speak out. No one taught me how or encouraged me. This was the era of “kids should be seen and not heard,” mind you.
So I said nothing. Because I did not know that I could, much less that I should. Didn’t tell my folks or any teacher, I told no one. It would happen again later, of course, via other hands and other ways. Again and again throughout adolescence. So another circle was birthed… a circle of trauma and abuse. I was trapped.
It stayed that way until I stepped into a new circle, one of self-defense.
This isn’t about me, my trauma, or my circle. There are many others who have suffered more than I have. I was born of two such people, in fact, who had. It’s not, and should never be, a contest.
I only mention it so those reading understand that this is not theoretical for me. I have a past, as we all do, a future, and, more importantly, a present in which I’m a father of two young boys who wants them to grow up safely and responsibly.
I developed this program for THEM, to teach them how to PROTECT THEMSELVES using tools THEY ALREADY POSSESS.
And to understand that they will always have a voice, the first, second, and third tool in their self-defense circle.
STEP ONE IN THE CIRCLE - TELL THEM NO
If someone is threatening you, attacking you verbally or physically, the first step is to TELL THEM to stop.
Use your voice. It is surprisingly hard for many of us. Not just children, but all folks of all ages. We are pack animals, we humans, after all. We want everyone to get along, and to stand out, to make noise, especially against an alpha in our pack, that is something we’re biologically wired to avoid.
Children are taught, after all, to listen and do what adults say. We want them to speak up for themselves, but we spend nearly every hour of their day telling them to shut up and stay quiet.
We must teach them to use their words to protect themselves, too.
I ask my students to practice saying the following:
“Please leave me alone.”
“Stop bothering me.”
“Please don’t do that. You’re making me feel UNCOMFORTABLE.”
“LEAVE ME ALONE!”
“I SAID STOP BOTHERING ME!”
“SOMEONE HELP, CALL THE POLICE!”
That is simple, but it’s often far from easy, especially for young kids, but adults, too. It’s hard for many to draw attention to themselves or to even directly engage in conflict. It’s hard for some folks to speak up.
So I teach them to practice speaking up for themselves. Every class.
You can and should do that, too. Parents, practice this with your children. Tell them it’s okay, in fact, encourage them. Practice it yourself. And give yourself permission, too. It’s important.
STEP TWO IN THE CIRCLE - SCREAM AT THEM
Voice is not just the beginning or the end, it’s the middle part, too.
When we’re being attacked, screaming is one of the best options for defense. Especially if you’re smaller, younger, and more vulnerable. Predators want easy targets. They don’t want attention. They don’t want eyes upon them. Screaming because someone grabbed you, attempting to pull you somewhere dark, is the best way to get them to release you.
And it’s POWERFUL if you allow it. Sensei Dawn Callan writes that a Kia (the Japanese term for a warrior scream) unlocks the freeze element in our biology. Like all mammals, our instinct when in danger is flight, fight, or freeze.
Too often in this modern era, we freeze when attacked (for more on why we do that, check out Sensei Dawn’s book AWAKENING THE WARRIOR WITHIN), which is the wrong thing to do.
The Kia unlocks you from your freeze state, Sensei Dawn teaches us. It helps you relax and utilize other techniques to fight back, be it running, striking, biting, or kicking, to survive. The Kia gives you POWER, too.
We roar like lions in every class. I tell them it’s their life in their hands. To view it as if it’s the last sound they’ll be allowed to make, so it has to count. And they do. Make a noise that rattles the world.
STEP THREE IN THE CIRCLE - TELL SOMEONE WHAT HAPPENED
The sad, ugly truth about fights, assaults, and attacks is that no matter how much we train and how prepared we are, we are all human. No one is omnipotent. We could do everything right and still get assaulted. As Mr. Miyagi says in THE KARATE KID, yeah, he knows karate, but “someone always know more.”
This is true. No one is invulnerable. Anyone can be hurt.
We begin as young, frail children, and after peaking physically for a number of years, we age. Our bodies break down, injuries accumulate, and physical limitations settle in. Sometimes, we’re limited straight out of the gate.
You could get beaten up. You could be injured or assaulted in awful ways.
That’s a risk in a big wide world.
I’ve been training in unarmed combat for three-quarters of my life. I’ve won fights and lost fights. It could still happen. My body could fail. Anyone can be beaten under the right circumstances. Anyone.
It’s what you do after, however, that defines you. If you were attacked, assaulted, and injured, and you say nothing to anyone who cares about you, you’re injuring yourself even more. Speak out and tell someone what happened.
My boys know they can talk to me about issues like this and, more importantly, that they have to.
They’re not to worry about getting into trouble with me, about the person who did this hurting me (and my boys laugh at that; to be honest, they’re not really worried about anyone trying to hurt me), or about being embarrassed or ashamed. We speak about it often—not just once, not just twice.
Often. I encourage other parents to do the same. Allow your children to understand the power of their voice.
As long as one survives, they’re in control of their life's narrative, not the attacker's. They can use their voice, speak out, and keep speaking out over and over. They can prevent it from happening to others, educate potential victims on who and what to avoid (don’t meet Harvey in his hotel room and don’t take Cosby up on his offer of a drink), and, most importantly, speak out and defend their spirit.
Author and martial artist Steven Barnes calls this “defending the inner child.”
Defend the child inside of you as if they’re your own child because, well, they are. And if someone assaulted your child and got away, you’d scream to the heavens above and to hell below to let them know it wasn’t their fault and you were gonna do everything you could to ensure it wouldn’t happen again.
So, for the adults out there, teach your kids how to stand up and defend themselves AS YOU WOULD DEFEND THEM and defend yourself AS YOU WOULD DEFEND YOUR CHILD.
Self-defense is a circle. It begins and ends with VOICE.
Now, I can already hear some wise-asses reading this and working up some snark. They’re thinking, “Three steps, that’s a triangle, dude, it’s a pyramid, not a dang circle, innit?”
If life moved in straight lines, it would be. But life rarely, if ever, moves straight. It curves, bends, and wanders. And eventually, like a hiker in the woods just exploring without a map or compass, you end up where you began. Nearly always.
If you don’t choose a destination, that’s what will happen.
Even if you do, you still end up where you began. Smaller, more frail, on the edge of death, little hair on your head, no teeth, almost exactly like the baby you were when you began this ride, except on the inside, where you have dominion.
So no, life is a circle with one point meeting another, connected by a long life-preserving scream.
Make that voice of yours matter. Make it your everything.
Make the voice that completes your circle be yours.