CONVERSATIONS WITH VAN DAMME - Part 4
Where The F*** Is My Script!
(For the reader, I wrote a movie that JCVD starred in called POUND OF FLESH. I’ve also written a few other projects for him that have yet to be made, so I’ve got a ton of voicemail and video messages from him, in addition to occasional phone calls out of the blue. It’s a surreal experience to have a guy you once had posters of decorating your college dorm room call you. But that’s the biz. JC is a unique, eccentric man. Conversations with him cannot truly be described, only experienced. What follows may have or have not happened, per se, but it is true to the spirit of JCVD interactions. Consider this fiction with a dose of the real, and you can decide for yourself which is which. Myself, I ain’t saying except where specifically noted.)
(Sunday, 10 am. Phone rings. It’s JCVD. Haven’t spoken to him in months. I answer.)
JCVD: Joshua! Where the fuck is the script?!
ME: Script?
JCVD: The script you were supposed to email me, I need it!
ME: (trying not to panic) Oh, do you mean (REDACTED)?
JCVD: No, not (REDACTED), you know which one, we talk about this!
ME: Uh, then you need a copy of (REDACTED) or (REDACTED)?
JCVD: No, Joshua, no! You’re killing me, I meet with the finance guy in one hour and I need the updated script you wrote! The other draft, it had too many pages, remember? You were going to cut it down, for the budget? Come on, Joshua!
ME: (wracking my brain) Sorry, JC, what was the name of the script again? I can send it right now if you want.
JCVD: Of course I want, email it to me right now, email to this address, very important, do you have a pen? Good, email it to (REDACTED). Got that? I already have (REDACTED) attached to star as the bad guy, and (REDACTED) will direct. It’s gonna be huge, Joshua, huge. But I need the newest draft of the fucking script first!
ME: Got it, got it. What was the name of the script again?
JCVD: Joshua, focus. It’s called (REDACTED), remember?
ME: (a moment) It’s called (REDACTED)?
JCVD: Yes, yes, we talked about it last fucking week, it’s called (REDACTED), it’s (REDACTED), send it fucking now, Joshua!
ME: Did it have another title before?
JCVD: No no no, it was always (REDACTED) that is the perfect title, this is my idea, it’s my story, (REDACTED) will be what it will be called. I will never change it!
ME: JC, I don’t have any script called (REDACTED) on my computer.
JCVD: What? You LOST my script? You lost it! What the fuck… Joshua-
ME: No, I mean, I’ve never written a script called (REDACTED) for you.
JCVD: What do you mean? Of course, you wrote (REDACTED)! We talk about it for days, I give you the story, you wrote it, we talk about it just last week, I have the email from you with the older draft that had too many pages-
ME: JC, we didn’t talk last week, and I never wrote a script with the title (REDACTED). I wrote (REDACTED), (REDACTED), (REDACTED), and (REDACTED), but I’ve never written anything for you called (REDACTED).
(Pause. JC yells at someone else in French in the room. There is much back and forth. After a few moments, JC returns to our conversation)
JCVD: Joshua.
ME: Yeah, JC?
JCVD: You didn’t write (REDACTED). We went for bigger name. For the money people. You understand.
ME: Totally understand.
Click on the following link for more CONVERSATIONS WITH VAN DAMME.
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