CONVERSATIONS WITH VAN DAMME - Part 6
A Very Special Bird
Another CONVERSATION WITH VAN DAMME
(For the reader, I wrote a movie that JCVD starred in called POUND OF FLESH. I’ve also written a few other projects for him that have yet to be made, so I’ve got a ton of voicemail and video messages from him, in addition to occasional phone calls out of the blue. It’s a surreal experience to have a guy you once had posters of decorating your college dorm room call you. But that’s the biz. JC is a unique, eccentric man. Conversations with him cannot truly be described, only experienced. What follows may have or have not happened, per se, but it is true to the spirit of JCVD interactions. Consider this fiction with a dose of the real, and you can decide for yourself which is which. Myself, I ain’t saying except where specifically noted.)
2 pm. Phone rings. It’s JCVD.
JCVD: Joshua? Are you there?
ME: Yes, JC, how are you, good to see you, what’s—
JCVD: Joshua my friend, I need your help, I’m in Hong Kong now, working on movie, and I need you to help me with something.
ME: Absolutely, what can I do for you? Is it a script problem, or…
JCVD: No, we are trying to remember a certain bird. Can you help us?
ME: With a bird?
JCVD: A bird. A very special bird. For the movie.
ME: Okay, what kind of special bird?
JCVD: You know that bird from the Jurassic Park movie, not the first one, the third one I think, the bird, the flying dinosaur bird?
ME: Oh. Yeah. You mean, pterodactyl?
JCVD: Aha, that’s it, that’s fucking it, yes! Thank you, Joshua! (SPEAKS FAST FRENCH TO SOMEONE UNSEEN, GLOATING). I could not think of the name of this special bird. Driving me crazy. Ah. Pterodactylal, yes?
ME: Yes. What—
JCVD: Pterodactyl, I told you (MORE FRENCH). You saved the day. How do you spell Pterodactyl?
ME: Oh, uh… let’s see… (GOOGLE IS MY FRIEND). Okay, here it is. P. T. E.
JCVD: T…
ME: Starts with a P.
JCVD: T… then… P.
ME: P is the first letter in the name.
JCVD: P?
ME: P.
JCVD: Why P? It’s not Perry-dactyl, it’s Terry-dactyL, yes?
ME: Yes, but…
JCVD: So why the fuck is there a P in the name?
ME: The P is silent.
JCVD: Silent?
ME: Yeah, it’s silent, we don’t pronounce it, we just spell it with it.
(PAUSE)
JCVD: English is fucked up.
ME: I agree. I’ll send you a link with the word, so you can see how it’s spelled.
JCVD: Joshua, even more, where is it can I find this bird?
ME: Find it? Uh, they may have a skeleton in the Museum of Natural History…
JCVD: Not the bones, I want this bird. For the project.
ME: You want a real pterodactyl?
JCVD: Yes, of course! What good are the bones for a movie? I need the special bird.
ME: JC, pterodactyls are extinct.
JCVD: Ex-what?
ME: Extinct.
JCVD: They stink?
ME: No, extinct, E.X.T.I.N.C.T. It means they died out.
JCVD: They’re all dead? All of them?
ME: Yeah, like… thousands of years ago.
(PAUSE. JC SCREAMS AT SOMEONE UNSEEN IN FRENCH. IT GOES ON AND ON FOR QUITE A FEW MINUTES).
ME: JC, you okay? JC?
JCVD: I am here, Joshua. Thank you. They’re all dead, every one?
ME: I’m afraid so.
JCVD: Fuck. So perfect for the movie, too. So that’s why they use the “P” in the name and make it silent. Because these birds, these dinosaur birds, are forever silent. Fuck.
(HANGS UP)
(I FRANTICALLY GOOGLE WHY THERE’S A “P” IN PTERODACTYL)
