CONVERSATIONS WITH VAN DAMME - Part 3
Quadruple Impact!
(For the reader, I wrote a movie that JCVD starred in called POUND OF FLESH. I’ve also written a few other projects for him that have yet to be made, so I’ve got a ton of voicemail and video messages from him, in addition to occasional phone calls out of the blue. It’s a surreal experience to have a guy you once had posters of decorating your college dorm room call you. But that’s the biz. JC is a unique, eccentric man. Conversations with him cannot truly be described, only experienced. What follows may have or have not happened, per se, but it is true to the spirit of JCVD interactions. Consider this fiction with a dose of the real, and you can decide for yourself which is which. Myself, I ain’t saying except where specifically noted.)
Phone rings. 3 PM. I answer.
JCVD: Joshua! I have three words for you. Three words. Are you ready?
ME: Yes. I mean, unless those were the three words-
JCVD: Qua-druple Impact!
ME: Quadruple Impact? But that’s only two-
JCVD: Quadruple Impact! Finally, the long-awaited sequel to my huge hit—
ME: Double Impact. Ah. Okay. But-
JCVD: Twice the action of Double Impact! And you will write it for me!*
ME: But don’t you already have a script, Triple Impact** that you haven’t shot yet?
JCVD: Ah, fuck that script, yes, but I don’t like it anymore. They try to fuck me on that deal, Joshua, you know? No one fucks Van Damme over, no one. And besides, do you know what is better than Triple Impact?
ME: Quadruple Impact?
JCVD: Yes! You get it! This is why I love you, Joshua! It’s Double the Triple Impact of Van Damme!
ME: But double of the triple is-
JCVD: So here’s the idea for the movie, are you ready? In Double Impact, I played Chad and Alex, twins separated at birth, yes? We hate each other, but we must work together to avenge those who killed our family, yes?
ME: Right, I remember.
JCVD: So in Quadruple Impact, Chad and Alex both get married, and both have twins themselves! Two sets of twins! Because it runs in the family, twins, it’s generic-
ME: Genetic, yeah, I read that somewhere-
JCVD: And the two sets of twins, they hate each other. They really do. Because one set grew up poor in Hong Kong, the other grew up rich in Belgium. Chad’s twins, named Andrew and Artis, they run a chain of karate schools in Paris and are pampered and spoiled. Alex’s twins, Charlie and Chase, they run a street gang and are very tough, rough guys. You see where I’m going?
ME: Uh, yeah. (I have no idea, dear reader, none.)
JCVD: Chad and Alex are kidnapped by the Triads who want them to sign over the rights to the tunnel*** and torture them for it, but Chad and Alex resist the torture because they know-
ME: That their sons will rescue them?
JCVD: Quadruple Impact!
ME: Okay, that works. Who’s gonna play your sons?
JCVD: Well, they’re twins and must look like their fathers, yes? So I will play them.
ME: You’re going to play Chad and Alex and their two sets of twin sons-
JCVD: Andrew, Artis, Charlie, and Chase. All played by me.
ME: I see. But-
JCVD: I know, I am older now, but we can take me back, they did that to Harrison Ford for Indiana Jones, they can do it for me. Movies can do that these days. Van Damme back in action! Van Damme times four! Four times!
ME: So… six Van Dammes in one movie-
JCVD: Joshua, no, four, please pay attention, these notes are important. Quadruple means four, double the double impact, double the double action, double the double fun! I’ll call (REDACTED) and (REDACTED) while you get started on the script, yes?
ME: Uh, okay.
JCVD: Think about a really good villain, too. Maybe we bring Bolo**** back?
ME: Oooh, I like that.
JCVD: We can let the computers make him younger, too.
ME: And maybe he has twins, who also have twins, so then your two sets of twins have to fight his two sets of twins in an epic showdown-
JCVD: Joshua, Joshua, please. Four sets of twins? Don’t be so silly, it’s a movie, not a cartoon. I like that you have big ideas always, yes, but they must be a LITTLE bit grounded in reality. Come on.
ME: Uh, okay.
*Full disclosure, I was never asked to write a sequel to Double Impact by JCVD or anyone else, for that matter.
**There does exist a script for Triple Impact. I have not read it, but have verified it does exist somewhere on someone’s hard drive.
***The ownership of the tunnel was the McGuffin of Double Impact.
****Actor who played the main villain in Double Impact and Bloodsport.