CONVERSATIONS WITH VAN DAMME Part 1

Pound of Flesh... TWO.

(For the reader, I wrote a movie that JCVD starred in called POUND OF FLESH. I’ve also written a few other projects for him that have yet to be made, so I’ve got a ton of voicemail and video messages from him, in addition to the occasional phone call out of the blue. It’s a surreal experience to have a guy you once had posters of decorating your college dorm room call you. But that’s the biz. JC is a unique, eccentric man. Conversations with him cannot truly be described, only experienced. What follows didn’t happen, per se, but it is true to JCVD.)

The phone rings. 11 pm. It’s JCVD. I answer.

JCVD: Joshua! How are you, my friend?

ME: I’m good, JC, what-

JCVD: I have three words for you, Joshua. Three words.

ME: Three words?

JCVD: Yes, three words. This is our next blockbuster movie, I tell you, we win all the Oscars with this one, and it hit me… three words.

ME: Three words.

JCVD: Are you ready?

ME: Sure, hit me. (EDITORIAL NOTE, NOT ALWAYS THE BEST THING TO SAY TO JCVD, BUT WE WERE VIDEO CALLING, SO I FIGURE I’M SAFE).

JCVD: Three words. POUND OF FLESH… TWO.

ME: POUND OF FLESH… TWO.

JCVD: The sequel to POUND OF FLESH! It’s a winner, Joshua, and I figured out how to make it work, the sequel. It will be a blockbuster! We’ll get good supporting actors, we get DeNiro or Pacino to play the bad guy-

ME: JC-

JCVD: We get a new actress to play my daughter, since she will have grown up. We get the girl from Spiderman and this HBO show, what is her name, Z-something-

ME: Zendaya?

JCVD: That’s her, yes, you know her? Very good actress, right?

ME: Yeah, she’s great, but-

JCVD: Emma Stone, too, she’s good. Very good. You’re right, we should think of Emma Stone as well, I like her.

ME: JC, I think we’re forgetting something important here-

JCVD: Another actress you like better?

ME: No, we’re forgetting that you died at the end of the first POUND OF FLESH. Won’t that be a problem?

JCVD: Not a problem, Joshua, we didn’t make it definite, we didn’t see me die-

ME: We kinda did-

JCVD: And I could have survived losing a kidney-

ME: But you lost your first one at the beginning of the movie, and when you can’t get it back, you die and give your second one to your daughter-slash-niece, two minus one minus one equals zero kidneys left. You died.

JCVD: So we say that my brother gave me one of his, it’s not a problem, Joshua, trust me, I’ve been doing this very long time, I know movies. So, I live, I get a new kidney-

ME: But-

JCVD: Just listen, Joshua, just listen. In fact, I know how I got a new kidney. I have a secret twin brother I didn’t know about. Only my older brother George knew. He found my lost twin brother, let’s call him Duncan since my name is Deacon, and since he’s my twin, I can play both parts. And then-

ME: Okay-

JCVD: My daughter, her heart is failing. She needs a transplant. My kidney is failing, so I offer to give her my heart since I know I’m going to die. But before I can give her my heart, someone steals it from me.

ME: Someone steals your heart-

JCVD: Yes! And then Deacon and Duncan have to find the people who stole my heart before my daughter’s heart gives out. It’s good, yes!

ME: But if your heart was taken, how are you walking around-

JCVD: We put in one of those mechanical ones, the clock kind, to keep me going, but it won’t last very long, it’s on a battery, so I have to find my heart before the battery dies. This is the movie, a man searching for his stolen heart to give to his dying daughter. Yes? Yes! It will make millions, Joshua, millions! I have a guy I am speaking to, a finance guy, you put together that thing you do-

ME: A beat sheet of the story?

JCVD: Yes, and I’ll get the money. We shoot, get Emma, get DeNiro, he’ll play the rich guy who stole my heart for himself, we’ll get John and Ernie again… POUND OF FLESH… TWO! Yes, Joshua?

ME: Uh… yes, JC.

JCVD: Yes, Joshua?!

ME: Yes, JC!

JCVD: Excellent! Talk to you soon, my friend!

He hangs up. I ponder what just happened.

ME: A man searching for his stolen heart to save his dying daughter. Goddamn if that isn’t actually a cool idea.

(EDITORAL NOTE, I DON’T OWN THE RIGHTS TO POUND OF FLESH, NOR AM I AWARE OF ANY SEQUEL THEY MAY OR MAY NOT BE MAKING OF IT.)